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my tribute to franz kafka
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  stupid email person facts form  
  i'm sure you have probably been sent this email before- most likely from an aol user, too. anyway, instead of resending it all the time when i get it, i've just decided to post it here. on principle, though, i find it hard to abide by the rules. so, i've made up two copies of it: the one i send people, and my real one. please, though, do your friends a favor and don't send them any similar forms.

|| the one i send people || my real one ||




facts about me

NAME: paul snuffleupagus
NICKNAME: bitchslapper, mr. t, the rog
HOMETOWN: buttsville, iowa
BORN: little town, new jersey
CURRENT RESIDENCE: my apartment
CROUTONS OR BACON BITS: irrationally constructed lego buildings
FAVORITE SALAD DRESSING: airplane
DO YOU DRINK: seven elepahnts and a mole go into a bar
SHAMPOO OR CONDITIONER: north dakota
HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: forty two
DO YOU MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE: read my lips; no new taxes
FAVORITE COLORS: no comment at this time
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME: 937-865-0997
BEST ON-LINE FRIENDS: twice, but only once for real
ONE PILLOW OR TWO: nooch
PETS: only with one person, if you can belive that
FAVORITE TYPES OF MUSIC: the pirate in me is lost somewhere at sea
DREAM CAR: you're the first one to condem me for my different point of view, and yet it seems to me your son of man was a non-conformist, too
TYPE OF CAR YOU DRIVE NOW: if i had a penny for everytime someone gave me a nickel, i'd have five dollars and sixty eight cents
WHAT TYPE OF CAR WAS YOUR FIRST CAR: if she's hot and naked, sure
TOOTHPASTE: that's no kangaroo, that's my wife
FAVORITE FOOD: greetings starfighter, you have been chosen to defend the galaxy against the kodan armada
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: "have i ever told you that you have pretty eyes," he asked, while staring at her breasts
FAVORITE TOWN TO CHILL IN: i like vanilla ice cream
FAVORITE ICE CREAM: i wish i had that fax number
FAVORITE SOFT DRINK: what if eve was made from a bone other than adam's rib? huh, what then?
FAVORITE TYPE OF FAMILY GAME TO PLAY: sometimes, it's just better to run them over.
WHAT IS YOUR BAD TIME OF DAY: we're off to see the wizard
ADIDAS, NIKE, OR REEBOK: melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement
FAVORITE PERFUME/COLOGNE: ism's in my opinion are not good
FAVORITE WEBSITE: i don't think it's too much to expect to sleep with a different high school girl every night of the week. i mean, after all, there are a lot of high school girls out there
FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: may the road ahead of you be strewn with banana peels
FAVORITE MOVIE YOU HAVE SEEN RECENTLY OR FAVORITE TYPE OF MOVIE: what if, i say, just what if that there dog gets loose
LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT: your head will fucking explode
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: time is a consequence of motion
MOST HUMILIATING MOMENT: maybe my cohost would like to field that
CRAZIEST OR SILLIEST PERSON YOU KNOW: ask not what your country can do for you, ask what that girl's phone number is
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN THE OPPOSITE SEX: don't think about elephants
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: california nebraska idaho vermont
PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: on a scale of one to ten, urinate

|| the one i send people || my real one ||




facts about me

NAME: brian dick herzog
NICKNAME: too numerous to list
HOMETOWN: sandusky, ohio
BORN: el paso, texas; july twenty-ninth, nineteen seventy-four
CURRENT RESIDENCE: an apartment in westbrook, maine
CROUTONS OR BACON BITS: croutons
FAVORITE SALAD DRESSING: i don't eat salad dressing
DO YOU DRINK: no
SHAMPOO OR CONDITIONER: shampoo (pert plus)
HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: yes
DO YOU MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE: only when they leave me no other choice
FAVORITE COLORS: none in particular
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME: aside from speeding and trespassing on government property, no
BEST ON-LINE FRIENDS: debbie (michigan), debbie (england), and michael
ONE PILLOW OR TWO: one
PETS: no
FAVORITE TYPES OF MUSIC: soapbox punk
DREAM CAR: eighty-eight chevy beretta or a volvo station wagon, or maybe a nice imapla
TYPE OF CAR YOU DRIVE NOW: nintey-six jeep cherokee
WHAT TYPE OF CAR WAS YOUR FIRST CAR: eight-eight buick skyhawk
TOOTHPASTE: i really don't know; maybe colgate
FAVORITE FOOD: in no particular order: pizza subs from subway, flavo-ice, potatos in almost any style, chicken in almost any style (as long as it's not spicy), popcorn
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: yes, very well
FAVORITE TOWN TO CHILL IN: dayton, i suppose
FAVORITE ICE CREAM: none in particular, but i usually get plain vanilla
FAVORITE SOFT DRINK: hawaiian punch if it counts; if not, then jones soda, cream soda flavor
FAVORITE TYPE OF FAMILY GAME TO PLAY: i'm not sure i know what this means. if you mean board games, then maybe pictionary, trivial pursuit, or sequence
WHAT IS YOUR BAD TIME OF DAY: they are all about the same
ADIDAS, NIKE, OR REEBOK: no
FAVORITE PERFUME/COLOGNE: no
FAVORITE WEBSITE: recently, i've been going to http://www.hit-n-run.com/37/play.html a lot, but i don't know what my favorite is; it depends on what i'm trying to accomplish, i guess.
FAVORITE SUBJECTS IN SCHOOL: philosophy, psychology, physics
FAVORITE MOVIE YOU HAVE SEEN RECENTLY OR FAVORITE TYPE OF MOVIE: "lock, stock and two smoking barrels," which is probably the best i've seen recently; historically it's probably the princess bride and better off dead
LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT: contemporary human society
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: high school football
FAVORITE BOOK OR AUTHOR: cat's cradle, kurt vonnegut
FAVORITE ARTIST: karin davie
FAVORITE DATE: ha. me? date? ha.
FAVORITE LAZY THING TO DO: stare at a wall and play connect the dots
FAVORITE ACTIVE THING TO DO: play football, paintball or softball, or rockclimbing
FAVORITE TV SHOW: the young ones
FAVORITE SONG: susquahannah hat company, by too much joy
FAVORITE TYPE OF MOVIE: intellectual action-comedy
CATS OR DOGS: all animals, and all other forms of living and non-living matter, are equal
FAVORITE COMIC STRIP: calvin and hobbes
FAVORITE PARTY SNACK: goldfish crackers
FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY: a water balloon fight in a rain storm with the kids on my block
PLAIN OR PEANUT?: plain
FAVORITE RESTAURANT: chain: subway; non-chain: any quiet cafe with cheap, good food and vanilla cokes when i can sit and read in peace
FIRST CHILDHOOD CRUSH: juile moats, my babysitter
FAVORITE CHILDHOOD TOY OR POSSESSION: big eagle (stuffed animal)
BEST VACATION THUS FAR: going to the civil war battlefields at gettysburg in seventh grade to research my history project
MOST HUMILIATING MOMENT: i don't know off hand, but there has been plenty
CRAZIEST OR SILLIEST PERSON YOU KNOW: same as above
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN THE OPPOSITE SEX: intelligence, confidence, introspection, physical attractiveness, and ability to cut my hair. that is to say, of course, this is what i look for _when_ i'm looking for someone of the opposite sex; however, i gave up on that a long time ago
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?: the mouse pad i use is just plain grey. if you want to know what's on it, though, i'd have to say a mouse.
FAVORITE BOARD GAME: trivial pursuit, or the word game.
FAVORITE MAGAZINE: scientific american, or discovery. but mostly the nudie magazines.
FAVORITE SMELL: burning wood and leaves in the fall.
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: i think it's either when ican't help someone who needs help, or if someone is wrong and they don't know it. perhaps those are closely related. also, when soemone expects me to convince them of something, and i can't.
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: i think this feelings thing is kind of lost on me, since i'm such an emotionless, heartless, immature bastard. oh well.
FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK: the only two i have are mary poppins and the rocky horror picture show, and i like them pretty equally.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT OF WHEN YOU WOKE UP THIS MORNING?: "i have to pee."
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS?: yes, but mostly just on airplanes, after i've eaten bad-for-me food, or if it's really wavy. the plane ride, not the food.
ROLLER COASTERS DEADLY OR EXCITING?: no. boring.
PEN OR PENCIL?: pen. blue. or purple, on principle.
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?: my parents always raised us to wait two rings, and i still do.
FUTURE SON'S NAME: ha. sam.
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME: ha. sam.
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE?: i sometimes like to drive, but i don't like traffic.
THUNDERSTORMS COOL OR SCARY?: ...just like every other natural phenomoena.
IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?: i think i'd like to meet albert einstien, but i don't think he'd enjoy that meeting very much. otherwise, i think i'd like to meet the people that built stonehenge.
WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?: leo. hear me roar. grrr.
WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE POET?: i am not good at poetry. anyway, i guess i like lewis carroll, but not for his poetry.
GUYS-IF A GIRL ASKED FOR THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK, WOULD YOU GIVE IT TO HER?: GIRLS-WOULD YOU EVER ASK A GUY FOR HIS SHIRT?: what the fuck are they talking about?
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: if i could have any job and actually be good at it, i think i'd like to be an author. or a rock star.
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: i don't want to dye my hair. clear would be cool, though.
IF YOU COULD HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT AND WHERE WOULD IT BE?: i don't want a tattoo. but if i did, it would be the tmj hand-holding-dynamite on my thigh.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: bleh. yes. still am. how annoying.
DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM WEDDING: if i had to get married, which i don't, i think i'd like to have a wedding much like the way people vote in the military- by absentee ballot. i'd just mail in a little paper that said "i do," and that'd be the end of it.
WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?: well, now that i just moved in, i'll describe them to you. the bottom half is pale blue wallpaper with white dots, then there is a chair-rail-border-paper of three bears riding a three-seated bycycle, with the one in the back wearing a hat, the one in the middle wearing a pale blue bowtie, and the one in the front holding a pale blue balloon. above that to the ceiling is plain white paint, but very scrathed up and marred. on one wall, though, someone has tacked little plastic replcas of the nine planets of our solar system, along with the sun. and on another wall, on one of themany nails in the walls in the room, i have hung a disembodied ceramic santa claus head, which my friend dana painted for me.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: completely full. even if it is absolutly void of liquid, it is stil full of air.
ARE YOU A RIGHTY, LEFTY OR AMBIDEXTROUS?: that depends on what i'm doing, now doesn't it?
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?: what? what right keys? if you don't push the right keys, then you can hardly call it typing, can you? if you continually press the wrong keys, then it's kind of just like banging on keyboard, isn't it?
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?: that's funny. currently, under my bed, there is an empty box that soem dishs came in, an empty plastic bag that a blow up chair came in, some cords and wires and stuff, a green dish drying rack in a trash bag, and the book i'm reading.
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: i'll have to leave this one blank, since many people sent it to me, and i don't want to single out any one of them in particular
PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: ditto

|| the one i send people || my real one ||





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