Once upon a time, there was a little boy with red hair who didn't live in the mountains. He liked guns. His name was little Jimmy the boy who liked guns. His full name was James Copper Edgar, but no one ever called him that. The reason no one ever called him that was because if someone did, he would shoot them.

No one seems to remember how Jimmy's fascination with guns started, but his teachers think it was due to the fact that his daddy always had big shotguns and shiny pistols laying around the house as he was growing up. Jimmy's family was very poor, so his mom and dad couldn't spend of their money on toys for Jimmy. And since they were so poor, they never had any time to spend playing with him, either. Jimmy's dad spent all day, and most of the night, hunting in the nearby forest for rabbits, deer and opossum, so his family could eat. Jimmy's mom was chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, but since she sold cocaine to the North Vietnamese army between 1967-1969, the AARP was blackmailing her for her entire yearly salary.

So, whenever Jimmy wanted to play, his mom or dad would give him an unloaded gun to play with. Jimmy had names for all of his daddy's guns, but his favorite was his dad's army pistol, a Colt .45 caliber 1911. Jimmy named it Sequencha, and usually pretended it was a racecar that he could speed around the house in.

Jimmy spent his whole childhood like this, and grew up quite happily, despite having no brothers or sisters and no real toys. However, one day, Jimmy's mom decided that she wasn't going to submit to blackmailing any longer, exposed the AARP for what they were doing, and then committed suicide by dousing herself in gasoline and lighting herself on fire while standing inside a large retirement home in south Florida, burning the whole building down.

This sparked an anti-elderly revolution throughout the country, during which one hundred and seventy-two retirement communities, VA hospitals, Cadillac dealerships, bingo parlors and prune farms were attacked and destroyed. Also, almost three hundred thousand people over the age of sixty-five were killed, either through torture, execution, or because they couldn't see over the steering wheel as they were trying to drive to safety and ran off the road.

Eventually, the AARP was forced to disband, due to lack of members. (Incidentally, this also caused a large depression in the adult diapers industry, which all but went bankrupt in the aftermath of the revolution. the only reason every adult diaper company did not close it's doors was because two years after the revolution, Dr. H. O. Ween published a book entitled "preparing for the greenhouse effect." In his book, he described how global warming is going to melt the polar ice caps, which will eventually cause the oceans and seas to rise, and flood the land. His solution for, or rather protection from, this inevitable destiny was to line America's coastlines with fifty-foot walls made entirely of adult diapers. The gullible American public followed this advice, and the white cliffs of Dover were put to shame. It was later discovered that Dr. H. O. Ween was a pen name for the president of Depends, but by that time, the adult diapers industry had flourished and expanded, and five different brands of super-absorbent adult diapers became America's number one exported good, and international sales of "preparing for the green house effect" reached into the billions.)

While all this was happening, little Jimmy still harbored a fascination for firearms. By the time the revolution had ended, he had grown into a fine young man, and was now allowed to play with loaded weapons, which more than doubled his love for guns. Little Jimmy won an ROTC scholarship for marksmanship, and was able to attended Brigham Young University. While there, though, Jimmy became intensely interested in psychology, and particularly with the Freudian school of thought.

Eventually, Jimmy came to believe that his fascination with guns was really a manifestation of his subconscious and latent homosexual desires. Jimmy continued to believe this, and also continued his studies after graduation from college. on his thirty-first birthday, holding the rank of Major, Jimmy was asked to be on the David Letterman show. While blowing out the candles on his gun/penis-shaped cake, Dave reminded Jimmy to make a wish, which Jimmy did, out loud. He said "I wish everyone in America to know that I am a homosexual, and I am looking forward to exploring this new side of my life openly."

The audience immediately reacted, ripping up the studio chairs and railings, rushing the stage, and beating Jimmy into a messy bloody pulp. Meanwhile, Mel, the seventy-two year old janitor, ran out on stage, grabbed the handle of the cart the birthday cake was on, and wheeled it back to the janitor's closet.

As he sat in his closet, eating handful after handful of chocolate cake, he could look out through a special cut in the wall he had made himself eleven years ago out onto the stage. A few audience members were still pounding away at what was left of Jimmy, and many more had turned on each other. The janitor laughed to himself, watched a pregnant twenty-five year old woman use the guest chair that Jimmy had been sitting on before repeatedly smash the few remaining skull fragments into a fine, pink powder, and whispered, "take that, you little bastard."