Okay folks, I'm here to talk about hamburgers. See, it dawned on me the other night, while sitting in your average American restaurant, just what hamburgers mean to this country. They're not just lumps of dead cow put on a bun for your and my taste enjoyment. No, man, hamburgers are the all-indicative measuring stick for our society today.

Look. Have you ever gone into a restaurant, wanting just a plain hamburger, possibly the simplest sandwich to prepare, next to a peanut butter and jelly, only to find that such a thing was not only not on the menu, but that they wouldn't even serve one? I don't know why, but the first thing I order whenever I go to a restaurant for the first time, is a hamburger. I figure that if they can't serve a decent hamburger, then it must not be much of a restaurant, right? So, I always order a hamburger, well-done, with nothing on it but ketchup. Simple.

But that's just where I'm wrong, see. Half the time, the menu lists ten varieties of hamburgers, each loaded with all sorts of different fluffy crap piled on top, so the entree is no longer a hamburger, but "a work of food art." The other half of the time, the menu has some sort of "build your own" hamburger, which would be fine, except that they don't tell you that "build your own" means that you start with a burger and lettuce, tomato, onions and pickles. Even when I specifically say "I don't want anything on it but ketchup," they still bring that other junk, too.

Now you might say, like my Mom always does, "just put it off to the side of your plate if you don't want it, and stop complaining." But my point is that it's incredibly wasteful of these restaurants to do this, especially if the person specifically states they don't want it. So, my question is "to what end are they forcing these supererogatory fixings on me?"

Here's what I think: all this "piling on" that goes on with hamburgers is perfectly reflective of, not only what is happening to the general psyche of people in this country, but also of what THEY want to happen.

Let me explain. The ultimate target here is contentedness. You see, if people are content, then they tend to take things slower, relax more, and just generally enjoy life. This, though, conversely, means that people aren't running around everywhere, aren't worrying about staying on top of things, aren't working at their jobs nonstop, and aren't trying to buy all of the latest stuff as it becomes available. So, when people stop running around all the time, they suddenly have time to think- and contemplation is as evil to THEM as contentedness.

We all know that THEY are controlling the country. You see it everyday, so I don't need to explain it. What I do want to point out, though, is how far this reach has progressed, and how, in its subtle ways, it might even begin to effect conscious people like you and me. What THEY want to do is make us a nation of idiots, because then we are easier to control, right? If we're all caught up with moronic pursuits like who the president is sleeping with, what happened on tv last night, what the new back-to-school fashions are like this year, or how many weeks it is until "Kick Off '98," then we'll not only miss the important things, but we'll be happy to miss them, because it will afford us more time to concentrate on our hair.

So, in order to distract us from the important things, THEY are flooding our culture with all this garbage, and working hard to convince us that it is what we need to be paying attention to- for if we're not, we'll be out of style, left behind, and obviously not cool. What THEY want to do is keep us away from things like thinking, science, reading and regular physical activity, because those produce normal, healthy self-aware people. In order to do this, THEY promote fads like crash diets, cure-all chemical alternatives, must-see Thursdays, sex and explosion movies, and on and on. All these things are aimed at destroying our attention spans, our desire for self development and expression, and our ability to be happy people. It kills our integrity and our capacity to appreciate anything but fast-n-flashy sensory shocks. THEY want us to let THEM do our thinking for us, while we concerns ourselves with superficial and irrelevant trivialities.

All the major newspapers, television networks, movie-making studios, popular magazines, etc. are shoving this crap down our throats, and the majority of the population is buying into it. My sister just bought a pair of bellbottom jeans for college, and walks around calling them straight-leg or boot cut or some damn thing. THEY have got her convinced that bellbottoms are cool. How can people fall for this?

Now I'm not proposing some enormously widespread conspiracy to rule the world. That would be silly. What I think is going on is that THEY are just in it for the money. The best way for THEM to get our money, though, is for THEM to make us stupid, and then we'll do whatever THEY say. I don't think THEY control the whole government and all of big business- no, I think THEY just control strategic positions within our society. Just enough for THEM to exert THEIR influence over popular culture- then our stupidity will do the rest. All THEY need to do is convince us that we need something or other, and then we'll do all the work to get it. And if we want it, then the stores will sell it, the characters on tv will wear and promote it, and the advertisers will capitalize on it. It's a self-perpetuating cycle that, once THEY set it in motion, is carried along by it's own gathering momentum.

And this is where hamburgers fit in. I don't think the fact that it is nearly impossible to buy a plain hamburger is a direct attribute of this low-key but wide-spread collusion, but an indirect side effect. See, everyone, including the restaurant owners, are so caught up in this ideology of shallow and pretentious ego fluffing, that it has trickled down to the very hamburgers they serve. To keep pace with the jet-setting meretricious trend of the mainstream, the restaurant owners have had to "spruce up" their otherwise plain (read: ordinary) food. No longer can it be a hamburger, but instead a (insert restaurant theme name here)burger, complete with any preset combinations of fifty different toppings, all designed solely to make the hamburger appear to be something nevuo, glamorous and worthy of the twenty seconds people are allowing new ideas to capture their attention. It has to be flamboyant if it's going to stand out, but to stand out against all the other flamboyant x-burgers around, it has to be even more flamboyant... which leads back into the ever-growing cycle of spiraling stupidity and declining individuality.

Because the worst part is that everyone seems to be falling for this crap. Someone sees the all new five-cheese herpeburger with Swedish onions and German potatoes, topped with sautéed Ethiopian range-poultry and sprinkled with the lightest kiss of honey-touched salmon, and they have to try it; just because it's new and different. It's just fucking idiotic. But, they must proclaim they like it in conjunction with all it's apparent grandeur, or else their friends will see them as less than hip. To hell with all that, and THEIR sound bites, buzz words, x-everything, e-everything else, and over-dramatized empty lives. I'm not going to let them dictate what my tastes, nor will I allow my preferences by influenced by the so-called popular culture. I'm going to think for myself, make my own decisions, and to hell with the rest of it.

So the next time you're in a restaurant, don't just settle for a ready-made, packaged-for-the-many, triple deluxe delectables. Make them think. Tell them "I just want a plain hamburger." See what they give you.